@lgbk44: Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
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@thedad: [wakes up to crying in the night] Wife: can you go check the baby Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
@Tuna_Lover: Just spent $243.57 at the grocery store so the check out girl didn't think I was just buying KY and condoms.
@rocknthepurple: I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
@AngelaEhh: Bartender: What can I get you? Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll? Bartender: Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me? Bartender: Me: Beer.