Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
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Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑