Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
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Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.