@Try2StopME: Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
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@TheMichaelRock: Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don't have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
@SexyInsomniac: I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said "I wouldn't have picked him first either."
@AGreaterMonster: I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.