@Donna_Gallers: Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
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@kelkulus: Felix Baumgartner's 127,000 ft jump becomes world's greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump
@dumbbeezie: I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
@CodyJP9412: [Petco] INTERVIEWER: We're looking for a real cat person. ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk* INTERVIEWER: holy shit