@Donna_Gallers: Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
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@KeetPotato: [answers my phone] "hello?" hey it's me, can you talk? "since i was two" no, can you talk now? "do you hear words coming out my mouth?"
@timdonakowski: Been married six months and I can't even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: (my funeral) Spouse, crying: I'll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now. Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you're S: Oh ffs!