Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
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My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in