Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
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You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
*pokes sex life with a stick
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.