@UNTRESOR: Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the "pull out" method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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@zacharyflynn: If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
@MarfSalvador: [Valentine's Day] Me: I got you a bunch of flowers GF: Thanks Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
@qwertying: I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife. *wife phones* Wife: What you doing? Husband: Missing you.
@CheetoBandito77: Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.