Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
“A little help here, Danny?”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop