(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
You Might Also Like
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I have never related to a cat more
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed