Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
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Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I needed a laugh this morning.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
WHY?!
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.