Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend