Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
You sure about that?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Wake me when AI does housework
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Krampus.