Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
You Might Also Like
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
some Old Testament wisdom
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Unimpressed
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone