Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
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*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.