[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
He a real one for that
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.