Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
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My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
This why you should mind your business
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!