@BrettDruck: Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
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@HannahSymmonds: Him: It's so damn sexy when women bite their lip Me: Like this? Him: The bottom lip.
@ericsshadow: [Starbucks intercom] "Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking."
@BoomBoomBetty: Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
@robotmouthfarts: EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this? Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.