The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
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Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300