Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
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LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
This is amazing.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan