awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
best review i’ve ever seen
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
The devil.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no