awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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I am all good here, 😂😉
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
My beach vacation Google searches
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.