[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
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[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Yeah. This was me today.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works