@Rebecca8672: Awkward=when autocorrect changes 'sooner' to 'sober' so email to 8 yr. old's teacher reads "I apologize for not getting back to you sober"
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@lil_dead_girl_: I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up. It hasn't so I had some cheese.
@Roweboat13G: For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
@TheAlexNevil: Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me "for safe keeping".