@Rebecca8672: Awkward=when autocorrect changes 'sooner' to 'sober' so email to 8 yr. old's teacher reads "I apologize for not getting back to you sober"
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@PeterClayton6: (Adobe CEO's house) Like the new couch hun? Update it. What about the wallpap… UPDATE IT ALL. You're scaring the ki… UPDATE THEM TOO…
@TheRobCee: [furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk] "Don't you wish there was an easier way?" [cut to carton of butter milk]
@MableGertrude: It's funny how you think it's your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
@geraintgriffith: "This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing." "What's that Sarge?" "Someone's building a pig."