Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
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if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.