Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
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Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.