“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
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The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.