Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Swedish for common sense.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My dog ate my work from home.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.