Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?