@HuffPostComedy: Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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@lenadunham: To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
@iwearaonesie: [hotel] wife: I'm gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks* me: Ok! *wife comes out in lingerie* wife: What'd you pick? me: Space Jam
@Tups13: Don't hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!