I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]