@HuffPostComedy: Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Clean up your toys off the floor. 4-year-old: You have to clean, too. Me: They're your toys. 4: It's your floor.
@LizHackett: I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."
@liv_thatsme: *1st day on prozac* Me: These are awesome! What am I supposed to take tomorrow? Doctor: That was a 30 day supply. Me: Whoops.