Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
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Husband of the year 😂
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I hate everything
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.