Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
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[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
me 2 months after i graduated
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.