@Dawn_M_: Awww it's cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn't realise I will pull hers right back.
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@WritePlay: Ways to get ants out of your house: 1) Ant traps 2) Say you had a good time but it's late & you have work tomorrow 3) Set house on fire
@animadvertguy: [Sky-diving] INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute! ME: my shoe? INSTRUCTOR: your parachute! ME: my pair of shoes? [later] CORONER: where's his shoes?
@hpb777: Sometimes I wonder how people who don't have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
@XplodingUnicorn: Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit Me: Are you sure about that? *gives him a handful of Cheez-Its* Cop: Have a nice day, sir.