Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
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I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
so this horse walks into a bar
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.