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-So you love me too?!
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife and I divided up the important talks we'll have with our daughters.
She'll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I'll handle zombies.
@InternetHippo: technically true but not a great slogan
@schmuuur: I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how's your day going?
@Tmoney68: [Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
B: How is that a positive?
M: I'll give you my reasons. Later.
@TEXASVETERAN: If I get married, I'd take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I'd return to pick her up.