Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.