Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
he chose this
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*