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@E_lok44: "Awww. There there."
*pats you on the face. Hard
@causticbob: I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
@Brampersandon_: [Me]: What's a snowman's favorite drink?
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Me]: jk snowmen don't drink they aren't real
@OneLastStranger: Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
@daemonic3: Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I'm in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes...wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I'm HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
@panmidwest: ME: I made you some coffee! It's even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE: couldn't separate the coffee filters could you?