@SavoirFail: I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

@LoveNLunchmeat: I've been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

@ericsshadow: [my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad] "Here $60. It's all I have. Call if you need more."

@EvilSchwartzie: In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY. My best time so far is 7 min.

@WhaJoTalkinBout: Her: What's your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom? Me: Showering is optional Her: HAHAHA, be serious. Me: Ok, no drug tests.