“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
This bar smells like my childhood.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now