“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Canada has crack?
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Writing, She Murdered.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?