“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.