Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
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[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”