Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
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You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister