Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Does beer think about me too?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.