What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
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Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
much to think about
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”