B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
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*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
omg leave her alone
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.