Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
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BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Not today, today.
Not today.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Brother?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.