Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.