Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
You Might Also Like
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.