My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
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Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.