-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
They got a point!
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Me: Same
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times