“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
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My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom