“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Pretty much. 🤣
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.