It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
You Might Also Like
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.