The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
You Might Also Like
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji